Through the Fog of Grief

What I Wish I Didn't Know

Photo by mali maeder

One of the headings on my Hope Remains newsletter is John Robert Dobbs. It is getting close to 15 years ago that our eighteen-year-old son left this life for the next in an unexpected accident two days before High School graduation. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. This is on my mind (not that it’s ever far from my mind) because, I’ve been asked to address a class of high school students about grief, death, God, and why bad things happen. If I can cover all of that in 45 minutes I should get a Nobel Prize!

You wouldn’t know it by looking at the bookshelves full of books about overcoming grief, but it is a really difficult thing to express the reality of grief as one endures it day by day. I recall, maybe six months after our loss, a physical and mental sense of walking out of a dark deep fog bank. I couldn’t remember much of the past six months. Losing a loved one is a shock to the system and in response, your body and mind just shut down while you try to heal. I believe it was six months after that experience that I had it again. I just thought I was stepping out of the fog before, but now I could see even more clearly.

As many have observed, the second year of grief is a new experience. The numbness … the fog … is gone, and it all seems so starkly painful to face. So my thought about grief is that it is a long journey through a dark and foggy valley, where the things that brought you joy are now hidden from view, but not forever.

Grief is a long journey through a dark and foggy valley, where the things that brought you joy are now hidden from view, but not forever.

It would be nice if that just took care of everything and we could smile and move on. A word picture doesn’t make grief go away, and to be honest, nothing does. In speaking at churches for the past decade about grief, I have encountered lots of stories. I’ve thought about writing a book about grief, but I’ve read so many of them, and they all sound about the same. Mine wouldn’t be any different, I’m afraid.

So how do you navigate the fog in such a way that you are forward-moving as you mourn the loss of someone you loved?

Obviously, some people do not move forward. This painful reality multiplies grief for the rest of the family and loved ones. I believe it is true that one can die of a broken heart. I wondered if it would happen to us. I think it comes about when someone decides not to move forward, or just can’t find the way forward. I don’t want to talk about being relieved of grief or no longer having any grief - those are myths. Grief is here to stay. But what we do during our experience is important, and moving forward allows us to continue to live the life we have.

Briefly, I believe we move forward through grief by loving and honoring the one who died. The only way I can cease to grieve is to cease to love. That’s not an option. So, loving and honoring their life is important. A few ideas:

I don't forget them. Yes, memories can be painful as they stir up tears and emotions. But those reactions remind us that this person was very important in our lives. The memories we have of them continue to be resources that help us on our way. Going through pictures, visiting the cemetery, and sorting through the cards sent by friends and loved ones all help keep their memory alive.

I make the most of my life, as they would encourage me to do. If we just give up on living, we are not honoring our loved ones. We are just caving into the hopeless feelings that sometimes come as we consider life without them. We should consider what our loved ones would tell us at this moment if they could. They would cheer us onward to enjoy every moment we have. The truth is that at some point we are going to die also. Between now and then, our loved ones would want us to pursue the things that bring us joy.

I experience the tears ultimately becoming smiles. In the first few years, there probably isn’t anything more painful than the immediate realization that they are really gone. It takes a long time for the heart to catch up to what the intellect knows. At first, we think we hear them in the other room or see them walking on the other side of the street in a crowd. Then the reality hits and our hearts break again. We remember things they said and did, and tears flow down our faces. At some point on the journey, though, we remember with smiles instead of tears. That is when we are moving forward. Wouldn’t everyone want to be remembered with a smile?

I help others in their grief. When I first went into the room where there was a meeting of *The Compassionate Friends, I could almost feel the pain there. Maggy and I had met with the leaders, French and Marilyn Smith, and had some idea of what would happen there. A lady named Francis hugged me and said, “It will always hurt, but it won’t always hurt like it does right now.” She intuitively knew that this is what I needed to hear at that moment. I have said that same thing to many people over the years. When I needed to know if I was going to survive this loss, The Compassionate Friends were there for me. (I would be remiss if I did not also mention the healing friendship offered by Royce and Carol Ogle as they led our GriefShare group.) Yes, other people helped me and now I attempt to help others. Whether it is speaking to churches or small groups or individuals about grief (or even a room full of teenagers), I move forward in my own grief by loving others who are hurting.

I learn to be grateful for the time I had. This attitude took longer for me to embrace. The bitterness of loss and the questions about ‘why’ can become the focus of our feelings. However, at some point, we look beyond that to the blessing it was to have the time we had. That doesn’t mean that we forget that it is painful or that it even seems unjust to us. It does mean that my life would not have been the same if I had not had those years with my son. I’m thankful for them and that helps me move forward.

Maybe we could toss in a dozen more things to do to try to move forward in grief. You can see a counselor, get an anti-depressant medication from the doctor, read every book about grief you can find, attend every support group, talk to everyone who has experienced grief … and I did all of that.

I even started reading the Bible over again, searching for answers. I discovered something I had known but yet not known all of my life. The very first parents in the human race were bereaved parents. One of their sons died. And then story after story of loss, grief, tears, pain, and survival came alive throughout the pages of Scripture until ultimately even God knew what it was like to lose a son.

… He said, “It is finished!” And bowing His head, He gave up His spirit. - John 19:30 LSB

If you are experiencing grief and that is what has brought you to read this post, I just want you to know you’re not alone. There’s no quick fix. Just for today, try to remember that out here, hope remains.

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*The Compassionate Friends is an international support group for those who have lost a child, grandchild, or sibling.

How to Find a GriefShare Group Meeting Near You.

Online Grief Resources HERE.

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