I love that you are carrying the message to others--not alone. I think the year of firsts was tough for me. One of my friends who lost her son asked me--why can’t I just get over this? My only answer was and still is--you’re not supposed to get over it. Maybe through but not over.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, such a timely encouragement with the anniversary of my mom’s suicide a few days from now. “it will always hurt, but it won’t always hurt like this.” Praise God for the healing of grief, even if like Frodo it never entirely goes away.
I feel I'm walking out of the fog that I didn't even know I was in. I have watched you and Maggie and listened to any and everything from you I can find. Once again I have tears running but I feel thankful to have GOD and a friend like you in my life.
Losing Kati was so hard knowing she was only 20 and she left behind a precious son. Just as I was feeling able to move on at one year, I lost Alex. My first born.
Love you, John! I am very thankful to have known John Robert and I continue to grieve with you until that day you are reunited in the presence of Jesus.
I too am grateful you share on this topic. I will never forget the first time I knew that FOG. When you get thru each day on autopilot. It was first with our granddaughter we lost. ONLY 2 weeks old. I was to buy her stroller, but every time I went to Sears, picked it out, pulled it off the shelf, ready to pay for it...something stopped me every time. I just could not figure it out. Not once or twice but several times during those 2 weeks. Then my son called and said she was dead. Please come mom. I cried, I prayed on the drive over; praying God don't let it be true. Our 1st grand child. My son and his wife were so proud. It was a horrible scene. She had died of SIDS. In her sleep. Police everywhere interviewing each of us. Our daughter in law screaming in pain. Our son shook to the core. It was true. Coroner was there. Of course an autopsy. All of us in shock. In my mind I kept saying I HAD to keep it together for the kids. They needed someone that was not falling apart (on the outside anyway).
The funeral my husband shook and the grandpas carried that babies casket. The other grandma and I had to go buy a dress for her to be buried in. A bonnet to cover the autopsy on her head.
Al and Shelly came. It was 5 am on a Sunday morning.
We made the kids stay with us for a while to allow some time to pass. Our daughter in law would wake screaming, tearing up the bed looking for the baby.
Id go outside behind our garage to fall apart. I had to be strong for them.
We went back to church. I could not stand to be beside anyone with a baby. I felt guilty but I could not handle it. Id go to a Dept store and walk all the way around baby department to NOT see the clothes.
It was almost 2 years...and one day I was outside ....and it was such a strange feeling....the fog had lifted. We slowly got back to somewhat normal life.
BUT...you NEVER forget.
Years later...once again...the fog, the fear, the pain hit when our son died. Like John said...now after 7 years I can hear his laugh and smile a bit. But stupid little things, a smell, a song, a toy, driving by unexpectantly where he lived, a food he loved...and my chest gets tight, tears flow. If I could just hug him once more, or talk to him. Then I realize no time would ever be enough. Our children are not supposed to die before we do. But the...I THANK GOD for the many blessings.
So yes as much as we may hate being a part of this club...we are blessed to be able to reach out and just be there for the next parent living it. Or grandparent. The hardest part of being the grandparents is: you grieve the loss...but you also feel helpless and grieve the inability to taking the pain from our children dealing with the loss.
I appreciate John and the help he has reached out and given.
God Bless each and every one who has sustained such a loss. <3
Thank you John. Just reading your first sentences brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you lost your boy, your young man. My mechanic too lost his son abruptly at 20. I cannot imagine. My mom is 90, going through stuff. She has been doctoring for an eye scratch that has her temporarily sidelined, from weedwacking! She drives me crazy. She lost her second husband, a dear man over a year ago, and now lives with us. She wants to go home. I want her to take it easy. She loves life, but longs for her home in heaven. It is such a pull, this world on a good day and the next world-what will that be like, restoration. We want them to relax, to tarry. Mmmh. Appreciate your words John. Appreciate you here.
I love that you are carrying the message to others--not alone. I think the year of firsts was tough for me. One of my friends who lost her son asked me--why can’t I just get over this? My only answer was and still is--you’re not supposed to get over it. Maybe through but not over.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, such a timely encouragement with the anniversary of my mom’s suicide a few days from now. “it will always hurt, but it won’t always hurt like this.” Praise God for the healing of grief, even if like Frodo it never entirely goes away.
I feel I'm walking out of the fog that I didn't even know I was in. I have watched you and Maggie and listened to any and everything from you I can find. Once again I have tears running but I feel thankful to have GOD and a friend like you in my life.
Losing Kati was so hard knowing she was only 20 and she left behind a precious son. Just as I was feeling able to move on at one year, I lost Alex. My first born.
Thank you for all you do.
Thanks for sharing this John
Love you, John! I am very thankful to have known John Robert and I continue to grieve with you until that day you are reunited in the presence of Jesus.
Thank you for sharing this here, John, and for the comfort you give others in your own grief.
I too am grateful you share on this topic. I will never forget the first time I knew that FOG. When you get thru each day on autopilot. It was first with our granddaughter we lost. ONLY 2 weeks old. I was to buy her stroller, but every time I went to Sears, picked it out, pulled it off the shelf, ready to pay for it...something stopped me every time. I just could not figure it out. Not once or twice but several times during those 2 weeks. Then my son called and said she was dead. Please come mom. I cried, I prayed on the drive over; praying God don't let it be true. Our 1st grand child. My son and his wife were so proud. It was a horrible scene. She had died of SIDS. In her sleep. Police everywhere interviewing each of us. Our daughter in law screaming in pain. Our son shook to the core. It was true. Coroner was there. Of course an autopsy. All of us in shock. In my mind I kept saying I HAD to keep it together for the kids. They needed someone that was not falling apart (on the outside anyway).
The funeral my husband shook and the grandpas carried that babies casket. The other grandma and I had to go buy a dress for her to be buried in. A bonnet to cover the autopsy on her head.
Al and Shelly came. It was 5 am on a Sunday morning.
We made the kids stay with us for a while to allow some time to pass. Our daughter in law would wake screaming, tearing up the bed looking for the baby.
Id go outside behind our garage to fall apart. I had to be strong for them.
We went back to church. I could not stand to be beside anyone with a baby. I felt guilty but I could not handle it. Id go to a Dept store and walk all the way around baby department to NOT see the clothes.
It was almost 2 years...and one day I was outside ....and it was such a strange feeling....the fog had lifted. We slowly got back to somewhat normal life.
BUT...you NEVER forget.
Years later...once again...the fog, the fear, the pain hit when our son died. Like John said...now after 7 years I can hear his laugh and smile a bit. But stupid little things, a smell, a song, a toy, driving by unexpectantly where he lived, a food he loved...and my chest gets tight, tears flow. If I could just hug him once more, or talk to him. Then I realize no time would ever be enough. Our children are not supposed to die before we do. But the...I THANK GOD for the many blessings.
So yes as much as we may hate being a part of this club...we are blessed to be able to reach out and just be there for the next parent living it. Or grandparent. The hardest part of being the grandparents is: you grieve the loss...but you also feel helpless and grieve the inability to taking the pain from our children dealing with the loss.
I appreciate John and the help he has reached out and given.
God Bless each and every one who has sustained such a loss. <3
Thank you John. Just reading your first sentences brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you lost your boy, your young man. My mechanic too lost his son abruptly at 20. I cannot imagine. My mom is 90, going through stuff. She has been doctoring for an eye scratch that has her temporarily sidelined, from weedwacking! She drives me crazy. She lost her second husband, a dear man over a year ago, and now lives with us. She wants to go home. I want her to take it easy. She loves life, but longs for her home in heaven. It is such a pull, this world on a good day and the next world-what will that be like, restoration. We want them to relax, to tarry. Mmmh. Appreciate your words John. Appreciate you here.